


Buffy the Messenger

by Mirrored_Illusions



Series: 2017 August Fic-A-Day [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Numb3rs, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: 2017 August Fic-A-Day, Humor, Multi, Post-Canon, Twisting The Hellmouth Fic-a-Day, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirrored_Illusions/pseuds/Mirrored_Illusions
Summary: In which Buffy needs to learn how to knock before entering a room, or at least use her superior hearing to check if the occupants of the room are otherwise occupied.





	1. Messeges and Naked Men

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2017 August FaD.  
> Crossover: SG-1 & SGA  
> Characters: Buffy, Cam/Sheppard/Ronon.  
> Disclaimer: Property of Joss and MGM.

It was shortly after 8 p.m. and Buffy figured it wasn't really too late as she had told the middleman she'd be by sometime that day, but that she might run a little late. Slaying took up much of her nights so she needed to use her days properly to get everything done. Being an adult really wasn't everything it was cracked up to be, unfortunately. She checked her watch again, 8:03 p.m.

She was just going to deliver a message and a few old, dusty books that some archeologist needed for something highly classified and very hush-hush. Out of curiosity, she'd skimmed through all three books; the first one was about some snake-demons, although the book didn't actually call them demons, who used humans as slaves and sometimes hosts thousands of years ago. The second one was a slim volume which spoke of something called an Astria Porta, or Astrid Portugal as she'd misread it in the beginning. It was a huge metal ring of some kind located in Egypt, or at least she presumed the book meant Egypt, and for some reason, the portal thingy used star signs to connect to other worlds? Dimensions? Realities? Buffy wasn't sure, but none of the human slaves who went through it ever came back.

The snake-demons, or the Goa'uld as they apparently called themselves according to the text, used the name Chappa'ai for the device. Someone, probably a novice Watcher, had scribbled the words 'Doorway To Heaven' in the margins on several pages. Someone else had struck it out and written 'Star Gate' above it. She'd briefly entertained herself with the reaction of the other Watchers when they'd discovered that two of their own had 'defiled' one of their precious books, then she continued reading. She simply assumed it was an argument over a translation of some kind and moved on.

The third book was completely incomprehensible to her, and it was bound in something that felt vaguely disgusting to touch. It had no title and no pictures to give any hints as to its contents. So much for being nosy.

Neither of the two books she could at least partially understand mentioned demons, Slayers, Watchers, or anything supernatural as far as she could tell, except for the Goa'uld creatures. Demons? Giles had cleared them for use by the military so there couldn't be anything revealing in any of them, but still. It was the *military*.

With her mind full of portals and demons who kidnapped humans by the hundreds on her mind Buffy knocked on the door in front of her and entered without waiting for acknowledgment or permission; an action which in hindsight might or might not have been such a great idea. Even if she ignored that she was raised better than that, on second thought her mother would've had some choice words to say about her behavior, but she was in a hurry.

The first thing that hit her when she entered the room was the smell of sex in the air, the second was the sight of three very naked and very satisfied men, and the third was the sound of post-orgasmic breathing quickly followed by sharp intakes of breath. Out of the three men, the blondish one was the only one who grabbed a nearby pillow to hide the 'goods' from her perusal. Pity. The man in the middle, he had unruly black hair, which had undoubtedly been made worse by his recent activities, did nothing as his goods were hidden underneath him. His slightly hairy backside was in full view though. When he saw her watching him he threw a lazy smirk her way and got more comfortable on the couch.

The third and definitely tallest of the three stretched and gave her a complete frontal view. And it was a well defined and explicit view. Mmm. Her lust bunnies definitely appreciated his generosity.

"Niiice! But not really the perspective I was expecting from military men". She held up two of the three books she'd been sent to hand over, and the blond guy actually whimpered. The hazel eyed middle man laughed, and Buffy's eyes strayed from him and over to the younger man on the far right who was still on full display. Bad Buffy! She reprimanded herself, you're on semi-official duty here and it doesn't involve ogling the officer's boyfriend. Um, boyfriends? They were definitely his lovers, whatever else they might be. She caught her eyes wandering towards the dreadlocked man again and she forced herself to focus on the blond man.

"Who are you, who sent you, and what are those books?" Apparently, Hazel-Eyes had decided to speak on Blondie's behalf since he seemed to have lost the ability to talk.

"In order of questioning," Buffy quipped, "My name is Buffy Summers. I was sent by Dr. Rupert Giles to give Colonel Mitchell these books." She waved them again for emphasis. The blond man, who she was 90% certain was the Colonel, whimpered again. "And they're about Goould and Astrid Portugal." She deliberately mispronounced both of them, just because she could.

The eyes of all three men widened comically. Buffy grinned and put the books on a nearby table.

"I had to barge in on naked men, shock them, and then run, but I have an elsewhere to be. So, toodles!"

And before any of them had a chance to reply, she turned and quickly walked out and closed the door behind her. Once she got outside she began laughing, and she started walking in the direction of the nearest cemetery. She didn't have a handsome man of her own so some Slayage would have to do.


	2. Secret Smooches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy is sent to deliver a package and walks in on another couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Property of Joss and whoever owns Numb3rs and SGA.
> 
> Notes: Written for the 2017 August FaD, Day 4. The Follow-up to 'Buffy the Messenger'.   
> Sorry about the abrupt end, I ran out of time.

Buffy had traveled from Washington, D.C. and down to Los Angeles to hand deliver some kind of math thing to a Dr. Charles Eppes for Willow since she was busy with a Wiccan thing that couldn't be postponed, so once again it was the Slayer to the rescue. Even if there was no slayage involved in this, or at least there wasn't supposed to be. She hadn't caught exactly why it couldn't be sent by email or even snail mail, but the end of it was that she ended up in her old hometown and the current base of her ex-boyfriend, Angel. Bright side: she'd be able to see him, and if she could manage it go slaying with him later. Her lips turned upwards as her mind took her back to some of their more memorable private moments.  
  
Her not-so-dormant lustbunnies would have to wait, unfortunately, as Willow had expressly told her to get the package to Dr. Eppes pronto. So now she was standing outside an apparently empty house, which was just typical. Or at least no one was answering the doorbell. After waiting for another few minutes she first rang the doorbell again and then gave it a ten-count before she gave the door a couple of hard knocks when there was still no answering voice from inside the house or the tell-tale sound of footsteps approaching the door. When Dr. Eppes failed to materialize she tried the door handle and to her surprise, it opened. Who in LA didn't lock their front door?  
  
Frowning she entered the house and came into a cozy living room, which was sadly lacking in any occupants. A further walk into the house revealed a staircase in a hallway to the right, but Buffy decided to take her chances on the door right across from the one she just came through and ended up in a kitchen. A noise from the only other door in the room caught her attention and she opened it and stepped through. Once she got a good overview of the new room she thought she'd arrived in some kind of office before she noticed the garage door. Then on the second look-through, she became aware of a couple making out halfway behind one of the blackboards, and she got a case of slight deja-vu. The two men in front of her were regrettably wearing all of their clothing though, but at least they were giving her a free show.  
  
Their abundance of clothing was a real pity since she wouldn't have minded a repeat of naked men on a live display. Though to be honest only two of the other men had been showing off, well one. The young, dreadlocked one. He'd seemed to enjoy her attention. Hazel-Eyes was kind of showing off the wrong side.  
  
The two men in front of her were wearing all of their clothes, but there were definitely some wandering hands as they were standing next to a blackboard with a bunch of incomprehensible equations on it. It strongly reminded her of high school. The gay version.  
  
Buffy spent another few moments ogling the two blond men before she pointedly cleared her throat. The reaction was immediate; the two men jumped apart and looked around startled, both of them clearly going for their guns even if only one of them ended up laying hands on a weapon.  
  
She decided to try and diffuse the situation a little since both of them, or at least the one without an actual gun kinda screamed 'military'. "Hello boys, sorry to interrupt your makeout session, but I'm looking for a Dr. Eppes. He's supposed to live here." She gave them a friendly and hopefully disarming smile. Then tacked on, because she suddenly remembered her manners, "I'm Buffy Summers, and I'm here to deliver a package from Willow Rosenberg."  
  
The guy with the gun relaxed and removed his hand from his service weapon and gave her a slightly weary smile in return. "Colby Granger and this is Evan Lorne." The latter didn't look all too pleased to have been introduced, but he did a good job of hiding it behind a slight smirk. "Charlie's out running an errand, but he should be back soon.  
  
Colby Granger. That made him one of the federal agents who worked with Dr. Eppes within the FBI. Evan Lorne, on the other hand, was an unknown but she was willing to bet a pair of nice shoes that he was active military. Stupid DADT. They seemed happy to be in each other's arms, or they were happy until she showed up.  
  
The next ten minutes were filled with idle chit-chat before the good professor finally showed face and she was able to hand over her package. Before she left she gave a wink to soldier boy and put a finger to her lips. She wouldn't tell.


	3. A Pleasant (Imaginary) Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy delivers another message, this time remembering to use the doorbell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeline: Anytime post-Chosen, anytime for SGA/SGA-1.  
> Disclaimer: The Buffyverse belongs to Joss Whedon. SGA belongs to MGM.  
> This was written for the 2017 August FaD, Day 15. Posted a day late since my internet was acting up last night.

Buffy had returned to Colorado Springs after a trip to California to deliver a package and a message for Willow, and after taking the scenic route back, including regular nocturnal wanderings through the countries many and varied cemeteries and graveyards, she was back where her road trip/tour of America's boneyards aka working as a Traveling Slayer had led her. Sans the Watcher. Giles was busy setting up and running the new council and didn't have time to be an active Watcher to anyone. The recruits were too scared of her to be useful; apparently, word of General Buffy had permeated their expanding organization and the would-be Watchers were all too intimidated to even try being her research person/cheerleader. Which was kinda bad, because now she had to call Giles at all hours of the day or night if she suddenly needed information about a demon, or a specific vampire/kiss, or if she needed to check something she'd read in one of his old, dusty books.

There were at least random meet-ups with her fellow Chosen Slayer, Faith, whenever the woman felt like doing some synchronized slayage, or simply wanted to bug Buffy because she was bored with whichever person Giles had convinced to take over as her new Watcher. None of them had ever lasted more than a month, and even that was only because there had been an apocalyptic problem at the time. The end result was that the Chosen Two were traveling more or less on the same route, just several cities apart in case they needed back-up.

It was a good system, but there was no denying that Buffy missed the company the Scoobies had given her for so many years. She missed hanging out at the house, or the school, or simply to go dancing at the Bronze. Even if you included the Hellmouth, the high death rate, and the yearly apocalypse she had needed to avert - her high school years still managed to seem so much simpler than her life now.

Buffy shook her head lightly to clear it; there was no need to take a trip down memory lane tonight. What she did need to do was finish the patrol of this cemetery, and then she could go back to her hotel room and get some sleep. Tomorrow she had another message to deliver and she hoped it would include handsome, nude men this time as well.

XCXCXC

The next morning Buffy awoke after a very pleasant dream involving five handsome and very naked men doing naughty things to both her and each other. As a result, she ended up spending some extra quality time in the shower that morning and when she exited the hotel room, later on, she was wearing an extra sunny smile which could only have been brighter if the five men had really been in her bed rather than just her dream. Ignoring pesky little things like the fact that the tall, dreadlocked one had been the only one who had shown any interest in her, but that's what fantasies were for. Right? Also, she needed a new boyfriend, or bar that someone who'd be willing to get groiny with her every now and then. Faith was lucky in that department; she had no problem just finding Mr. Right Now, get what she needed, and then simply move on.

Arriving back at the apartment she'd visited a week ago she remembered to ring the doorbell as it was unlikely they'd take so kindly to her walking in on them a second time. As she waited she extended her senses, listening for anything from the inside, and much to her amusement it would seem the three gentlemen were having quite a pleasant morning. Well, it was pleasant for them until two of them began cursing when they heard the ringing of the doorbell. This was followed by the distinct sounds of three people quickly pulling on clothes and opening at least two windows. Yup, they had definitely had a very good morning.

Buffy couldn't hide her amused grin as she eavesdropped, but when she heard one set of footsteps getting closer to the front door she quickly smoothed out her features and made sure her face looked polite. She straightened up and tried to look professional, but she was relatively certain there was at least some laughter in her hazel eyes.

The door opened and Colonel Mitchell looked surprisingly put together for someone who she was pretty certain had been doing the horizontal tango a few minutes before.

"Hello." He said politely until he saw who was on his doorstep. " _You_!" Then he blinked, and added, "You found the doorbell this time, I see."

Buffy laughed, "I didn't think you'd appreciate showing off the goods a second time." She gave a playful smirk, "Your friends didn't seem to mind the audience, but I thought I'd spare you some blushing this time." In the background, she could hear the sound of male laughter.

It didn't work. Mitchell did turn a charming shade of red, so Buffy simply handed him the envelope, bid him a cheery farewell and continued with her errands for the day.


End file.
